the BEST we can!

I have been be reflecting to understand my inner self more deeply. In this journey, I have been able to understand what triggers my anxiety and what helps to minimize and reduce the occurrence and duration. 

When I was younger, I didn't understand what anxiety was, mostly because even as a child, you may worry. it cam stem from peer issues, family issues, etc. However, I feel that a child's voice in the era that I grew up, was that children didn't have anything to worry about. But as children  we do, we may worry if we will win the video game we are playing, simple and not as essential as paying bills, but its a worry. Those same children grow into adults with many worries on top of worries that were never dealt with as children. During the early months of the pandemic, I was able to hide my anxiety and cope with it on the surface. The new norm for me was slowly starting to rear itself. working from home, the political energy around masks, ,etc. and not being able to walk my Kindergartner into his "big" school for the first time, on the surface, nothing bothered me. Until I became so unbothered, that the unbothered emotions started to bother me. 

I had to find my happy again. Where did it go. It seemed it had only been a short amount of time that I was feeling this way, but it was meeting more than a couple of months. Watching a world seek to go back to a normal of yesterday, made me more aware that something was not right within myself. The constant measure gauge in my head was go from if I am doing too much or too little, a feeling of relief  came over me and I said literally out loud, "I am doing the best I can." With so much affirmation and understanding, It was immediate, I no longer felt guilty for doing too much or too little.  I am doing the best I can, WE all are doing the best we can, where we are, the experiences we've had and are currently in, influences the best of what we can do. 

I realized that the unsurfaced anxiety I was feeling was building up and building up fast. I then had to come to reality that my normal had changed, dramatically without warning, and the irony I had to understand is, so had every single other person in the world (the irony is some may not know it)  I had went from having approximate 2 hour commute to literally being about 25 steps from my "office". The immediate perception of my dramatically decreased commute would and should be positive, right? Sure did, in that it helped with my work life balance and give me so much more time for doing other things in my life in addition to working.... this was all new to me. 

To reground myself, I needed to Rest, Rehydrate, Reflect and Revitalize. 

Rest - I hadn't been getting much rest, staying up late and getting and hour here and there, with a stretch of 4 hours at the most. I started to be mindful of what time I went to sleep, and taking naps! If my kids were okay and occupied, I took an hour nap. I didn't realize how much this helped me cope with the everyday stresses of life. 

Rehydrate - I started paying attention to the amount of water I was drinking daily, and made it intentional to drink at least 32 oz a day. The feeling of being hydrated made me feel so much better.

Reflect - I started doing a daily reflection of my day. I started seeing what was there. The way I felt and then thought about what happened and what role I played in it, no matter what is was, rather it was cutting somebody off (hey, you never stop growing). I reflected on if I was consistent with being the best version of myself throughout the day. Was I intentional with being present, did I make sure I made somebody feel good about themselves. I always cheer, however I feel like sometimes my drive makes others uncomfortable. So I had to be more intentional with others emotions in that sense, show a little more compassion to those who need it, but in a healthy way. With truth. Reflections allowed me to be present. 

Revitalize-  search within yourself the feeling of new and vitality. I started renewing my feelings, searching for the better feeling. Sometimes we can allow ourselves to get in spaces that we know aren't what we want. We allow ourselves to fester in places that are unwanted. I'm coming to understand that to revitalize means to reach for that better feeling, all the time, not just for one day, more like every minute of the day, that you will have to intentionally reach for that better feeling.   Discover the feeling being conscious of what you feel and reach for the better feeling, revitalize. 

I am leaving you with a disclaimer that I am not an expert at this, and am moving through the new norm just as everyone else, and my advice is the facts of my experience, and I am giving the opinion of what one may want to try based on my experience to use at their own discretion. Some days are good, some not the best, but I am grateful for each moment. It has been such a different journey during this time in that things seems so uncertain, but in these times we must rely on what we know best, things can be okay, and we are doing the best we can, do your best everyday, to the capacity of what you can, but make sure it is your best, if you know you aren't do the work so that you can give your best self, Rest.Rehydrate.Reflect.Revitalize. I am practicing these and have found peace in this practice, take from this what you believe that will help you! 

Be Great,
   Stephanie

Parenting without Fear

 

With all the things parents can worry about in the world, we choose to worry about how the world will view our kids. How can we encourage our children to be their authentic selves when we worry more about how well they will do in the world? How do we parent our kids without imposing our beliefs of fears on them based on our past experiences? 

The fear of our children not being accepted by society sometimes will lead us to go to extremes to protect them from themselves. But who are we to block the experiences our kids are to experience. I came to understand that my kids are an extension of me but they are here for their own reason, purpose. Don't get me wrong, we are to steer them in the best way to help them achieve this through love and understanding. I am not saying let them be free without guidance, but we need to provide guidance with love over fear. Remember what is was you needed to hear at 5, 10, 16 😉.  

Over the past couple of  years, I embarked on a journey of updating my parenting skills and really started  to rethink my approach to raising my children.  I’ve come to discover a few skills that have helped me practice parenting without fear.

Mindful of my words  - think before you speak - was a virtue I was taught, but never understood how  to practice it. To truly think before you allow the thought that you are thinking transform into words and leave your lips. I had to start taking factors into play when interacting with my kids. One, am I tired, hungry, frustrated. But in regards to fear, I had to take a moment to understand am I responding in fear of what my kids are saying to me or am I even listening to what they said. Am I judging them on what society says kids who do this will be  and that they will be frowned upon, or looked at differently. Speak love into your children no matter who they are, do your best to understand their perception and what the facts are in what they are saying, and guide them to the better feeling.   

Check my intentions - when responding to an action and words from your kids, what are your intensions? I chose to feel the feeling and allow myself to speak life into them rather than use my words to provoke fear in them to then force an outcome that I am comfortable with. I began pouring into them the words they needed to hear to be their best self, no matter what that may be. 

Understand that your children are not "yours" - I had to come to understand that our children are here for a reason. My oldest had a love for animals that is beyond my limit of having a dog, and wants to be a veterinarian, there were times were I thought I should try to influence her to change her future career, in fear that she wouldn't be successful, I had to change my perception to encourage her to go for her dreams. I came to understand that my kids have their own purpose that is separate from my own. Sometimes we want to impose on them what we believe is to be best, but we have to understand they have their own personality and likes of their unique to their purpose.

As a mom, I want what everyone parent wants which is the best for my kids, and have come to the understanding that imposing my fear on them does nothing to help them and implementing these practices in to my parenting has given me results in having my kids be more open with me and really come to being their true unique selves in a space with love and no judgement, love over fear. 

Be Great,
   Stephanie

My Daughter has Eczema

When my youngest daughter was only 6 weeks old, I observed as her skin started to display small bumps all over her tiny body. In a panic, I took her to the pediatrician at one point once a week for at least 3 weeks, searching and hoping for answers on what was going on with my newborn. Her pediatrician whom has been the doctor of all three of my kids, gave the best advice and prescribed the best remedies he knew how.  I was told to do this and that, remove dairy from my diet as long as I was nursing, to put her on special formula, etc. In her toddler stages, she seemed to get a little better until as of recently. We have tried steroid creams, oral medications with no improvement.  It was at one point I was in tears in that I was at the end of what to do and felt us making such a fuss over her skin getting better would inadvertently make her self conscious of it and would lead to her having low self-esteem. 

Recently my husband, OT and I had one of those impromptu talks with Kaitlyn, we have often one on one's with our kids individually, more so because of their age gaps, to always get a sense of what's going on with them. I share this in another post, you can read more about it here.  In this conversation, she talked about how she didn't like her skin and that she didn't understand why she had to have eczema. Though this was not the first time she has said this, every time I hear her say this, it breaks my heart. We further explained to her how her skin is doing the best it can for her,  and how she can reach for the least resistance thought on how she feels about her skin, to look at the positive, the better feeling. The hardest part is her dealing with the stares and the grimaces of those who don't understand her condition, and having to build her self-esteem up regardless of how the world sees her. 

Like any parent, I went to the drawing board once again to understand what can I do differently to help my daughters condition. We always explain to her that we are not wanting to help her skin so that others can feel good when they look at it and not have negative reactions, but have her understand that we want her to feel comfortable with the conditions that comes along with eczema.  To my surprise, I found that October is also Eczema Awareness month and had a new hope in that, there is a community out there advocating for my daughter by educating people of this condition. I was one who had never experienced this or knew of it until 10 years ago when she was born. I have heard of people having eczema but witnessing first hand what Kaitlyn goes through, has allowed me to understand that it is more than just dry skin. 

Eczema, also known as atopic dermatitis is a genetic skin condition where the skin can become inflamed, causing it to be dry, red, itchy and mimic a scaly rash. Some may experience different symptoms but these are the most common. The severity of eczema can not only vary among symptoms, but also differs among ethnicities. African Americans eczema can reveal as discolored patches that are swollen, warm to the touch and raised lesions. Dry skin then results in itching that then in turn causes the skin to be inflamed and in worse cases if broken, can cause infections, and other issues. 

My daughter experiences her worst flare ups at night when she gets hot with sleeping under covers (note we take them off her her and have her sleep with a sheet) but she loves blankets! She also experiences flare ups when she gets anxious of nervous, we have combated this by teaching her meditation techniques. 

There are many misconceptions and myths that some non-eczema sufferers may believe. We have worked over the years to come up with the best solutions to meet some of those challenges. 

First,  It is NOT contagious. You can not get eczema from touching someone with it, holding their hand, etc. It is a genetic condition that is not passed through touching, or being in close proximity of someone. It was important to us to educate her to understand this in that when we weren't around, she would be able to tell someone about it if they ever said something about her eczema.  It was at one point where a fellow dancer at her dance studio asked her what was wrong with her skin, and she replied, "Nothing is wrong with my skin, I have eczema, you can't get it from touching me". Her friend replied and said, "Oh, I still like you anyway." Educating Kaitlyn in turn gave her the confidence to explain her eczema and really be bold in helping others understand as well. 

Second, You don't grow out of it, some may think as you get older, your eczema disappears, however, as an individual gets older, the management does become a little easier. I must admit, trying to explain to a 6 year old why they cannot have sweets or eat a certain food that is loved by all is tough. Even at 10 years old, we still struggle with keeping her snacking at bay. But I have confidence as she gets older, our constant teaching of drinking plenty of water and eating your favorite foods in moderation will stick with her to help lessen the flare ups of her eczema. 

Third, Eczema is caused by stress. Although stress can trigger flare ups, having stress does not cause you to get eczema. As Kaitlyn has gotten older, we have realized that when she is anxious, she starts to scratch. The most common time is as she is getting ready for bed. We have found that giving her a small does of liquid melatonin on days she's had dance or has been out late helps with her falling to sleep a easier and keeps her from scratching. Also meditation and breathing techniques have been introduced to her to help ease stress and anxiety, and has worked very well. The best topical remedy that we have found is to moisturize moisturize and moisturize some more.  With years of research, I created a moisturizer for Kaitlyn's eczema that is full of nutrients that have worked well, I share the recipe here. 

As we continue to learn more about this condition, new remedies and treatments are being found.  However, doctors are still unsure what is the cause of eczema, but we can help as a society to give these individuals who have this condition grace, grace to not stare and be respectful. It's not that the same struggles compare to someone with a physical disability, but in the same circumstances, you wouldn't stare at someone who has a disability with disgrace, but with grace. Displaying love for each other does not contend on conditions on how they look, but the reverence of each other. All skin is beautiful, just as all humanity is the beautiful in the same. 

If you have any comments to share, or you have remedies that have helped with you or someone you know who has eczema feel free to share. If you would like to find out more about eczema, feel free to visit the National Eczema Association's website. 

Kaitlyn on her first day of 5th grade, remotely (2020)

Be Great,

     Stephanie

Raising Kids with Large Age Gaps

'Oh, wow, that's a large age gap!" is the common response I would get when I revealed the ages of my kids.  I never thought that the age gaps between my kids mattered, until I got this response multiple times.  I became a little anxious and strained about what was to come with the perceived vast age gap between my kids, however in all things, you expect the best for you and your family and in this journey, I have found three of the most important aspects to making this work and wanted to share.

Time alone with each child - My kids are 15, 9, and 5, and are psychologically at different levels and understandings and sometimes I cannot always generalize conversations with all three. So, I have found it important to have time alone with each child. Even if they were closer in age, I would have alone time, but I feel it is most important because of their differences in development stages to be even more keen and sensitive.  These sessions are either scheduled or impromptu. But because the way my life is set up, they are mostly impromptu. Whether it be driving my youngest daughter to her dance practice and striking up a conversation with her, playing a car game with my son or cooking Pho with my oldest, I realized that these little 30 minute moments do make a difference in getting to know each child individually which in turn... helps to understand their thinking and where they are mentally...I  believe that these little moments make a big difference to each of them and allow them to have their own time with me.

Being aware of their different development stages - When your kids are an average 3.9 years apart, you have to be creative in how you communicate with them.  I research ever so often my kids individual development stages to get a better sense of where they are developmentally. I have found this helps ease my frustrations in understanding how to communicate with them each at their own levels. Hence a five year old vs fifteen year old with responsibilities and hygiene. It helps make sense of my life a lot! I also have found it easier in explaining to each of them where their siblings are mentally. My 9 year old would sometimes tell her younger brother jokes and think it to be funny when he would repeat these jokes that were unconventional in nature in which she would be aware of and of course he didn't, having to explain to her that she shouldn't use he brother's ignorance as entertainment, but use it as a moment to teach him understanding that the is younger and at a different level then she, it in turn helps me to teach them to be leaders and for their younger sibling(s) to learn from their leading to in turn be a good leader.



Embracing the good with the challenges - At times it is challenging with my the age gaps, for example when my 9 year old tries to negotiate by saying her older sister gets to do it and I have to take a deep breath, explain to her that she is younger, etc., etc. but I have found the age gap between my kids to be beneficial in that they are able to look after each other. Our oldest babysits for us on date night and we don't have the worry of getting them packed up and dropped off like we did before. They actually still do play with each other and they bond is impeccable.  They are able to help their younger siblings with homework, so that is a big up for me! My oldest loves to give advice to her younger sister about high school, friends, etc. which is the sweetest conversations to listen in on. Perspective is all in how you look at it, find the good in the challenges and hold on tight!

As with kids that are 2-3 years apart or 10 years, having children period is a challenge, but I am very blessed to have found the balance with having a little time in between my kids ages. Despite their age gaps, they each have a beautiful relationship with each other, so don't worry if you happen to be in the same boat I was in with a 10 year old and newborn, it will all work out fine!

Be Great,
    Stephanie

Promoting Self-Esteem

Growing up in a world where the delight of your appearance outweighed the intentions of your heart was how I used to view the world. I thought the harder I scrubbed my skin, I would magically become a shade lighter in which I believed I would be liked more. Now bringing two girls into the world, I am tasked with the most important job of all, although at times I believe I should have been fired years ago, I strive to remember what I needed at their ages and provide the best guidance I can. Self-Esteem has always been an issue for me. Finding myself has taken time, however I am grateful for the experiences as I continue to embark on this transformation and becoming a better wife, mom, friend, etc.

Self Esteem - is the confidence in one's own worth and abilities. I charge my girls daily with, "you have to have high self-esteem I say, you have to carry yourself with self-respect, you...wait... do they even know what it means to have "high" self-esteem? I thought back to what I needed at their age, what needed to be said, taught, understood of me. To help them not require validation from others, but to understand the importance of strength and confidence in who they are. As I explored the how, I realized that it wasn't my six word sentence that would prepare my children for the world, but how I interacted with them and respected how they felt. All in all, how to be responsive to their needs. I started using the below points to help me help them.